Second place is a no-no: On children winning laurels
Over the last few days, I have been fascinated by a story which was reported in a Nigerian daily has captured the attention of many people on social media in Nigeria. It was a story told on Facebook by a woman who describes her niece’s experience at one of the most exclusive private schools in Lagos, Nigeria. The story goes as follows: a 12-year-old male student stole sulphuric acid and ethanol from the laboratory and poured it into a female classmate’s water bottle. He hoped the concoction would send her to an early grave. The crime committed by his classmate who is 11 years old was that since they started at the high school, she had beaten him to claim the first position in their class for two terms in a row. The girl was saved because some of their classmates saw him and pulled the plug on his plans. Imagine what pain and agony his victim would have been subjected to with a burnt esophagus; all because another student wanted to be in first place.
A lot of people have described the alleged perpetrator as evil or mentally ill. It is impossible to discuss the mental health of this child not because it is unimportant but because despite all the speculation making the rounds, we know nothing about him except that he is likely from a wealthy home. That is not to say that his mental health is irrelevant or that the psychological and emotional trauma of his intended victim should be ignored.
Motivation is a crucial factor in everyone’s life. It determines the price we are willing to pay for something and is influenced by the boundaries we set for ourselves. The dominant reason that motivated this act was a bid to claim the position of the best student in JSS1. It wasn’t a dislike of his female classmate. His desire to be labeled best student appears to have been his overriding consideration. Did coming second create a loss of identity or status in his home, school or with friends? Did he come to believe that winning was more important than the process that gets you there? Did he believe that winning was the only option?
As an aside, perhaps it is time to rethink the way we view academic achievement and the pressures placed on children to be first always. You may disagree, but shouldn’t our grades be more important than position assigned based on academic performance? Academic success is very important. The average Nigerian places a high premium on academic accomplishments. I know because I am Nigerian and it is how we are brought up and how we think. We need to ask ourselves if we have been so achievement oriented that we have now coached our children that nothing is out of bounds if they win? Are we teaching our children to lose their humanity because we want to brag about their exploits in school?
Sadly, some parents make it obvious that their love for their children is based on their performance. Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally with or without the medals as they negotiate this journey called life. The boy could be your child so let’s stop the finger pointing, examine our attitude, sit down to talk with our children and walk our talk.
We don’t know what the dynamics in his family is and we shouldn’t pretend to know. I believe he and his family need help in negotiating this problem and I hope they get the help they need.